You and I, we were never able to let the past go. We always thought we could, but really, we never did and we never do. We don’t get angry at those who hurt us, we keep it inside, and let it eat us from the inside. You finally let go, I thought you were selfish at first. But now I know why. I wish I could too. You had so many things hold you back for the longest time. Every single day I find a part of you in me. When I talk to Mom, sometimes I sound just like you. The things you’d say, the way you’d laugh.. Were you ever gone?
It’s 4:13am. I woke up. And now I’m playing with stickers in the wee hours of the morning. I guess I’m a troubled one. So many thoughts in my head. So many depressing thoughts. So many disturbing thoughts. So many doubts. The future has never looked so bleak. I thought I was supposed to be in the best place of my life so far. Au contraire, I seem to be in the worst.
Life has never been so cruelly clear to me before. It’s as if I’d been clinging on to those rose-tinted glasses for too long, choosing to see the world as what I wish to see. I’ve never been one to look circumstances in the face. Dissociation has always been what keeps me sane. Maybe I’ve been deluding myself all along. No, I rephrase. I have been deluding myself all along.
Maybe those rose-tinted glasses broke. I realized a lot of things today. For the first time in a long time, that all too familiar feeling of hopelessness, the desperation of wanting a way out. The same one she felt, the same one I’d felt many times before. Have you ever sat on a wall, watching the world go by under you? Pondering your options? Knowing that no one in that big world below you can ever help you? I remembered what that feeling of hopelessness felt like today. Perhaps I’d kept them in me all this while. As much as I hate to admit it, they got me today.
When you know the truth, you know it’s not always comforting. All this while I’ve been expected to be the strong one here. But today for the first time I realized. I’m not. I’m the weakest one here. It frightens me to know the truth. The weak link in the chain. I try to fight it, I’m trying so hard. But today, maybe just for today I don’t know..
Maybe I’m not meant for big things after all. Excitement died.
These days when I cry I just don’t say anything anymore. Or maybe I can’t say anything more. There really isn’t anything to say that could make things better. I’ve said all I could say, heard all I could hear, but it still hurts just as much. I want to believe that she’ll come back one day, just because that’s the only thing that’s consolable to me. But I know in my deepest of hearts that something would be seriously wrong with me if I succeed in making myself truly believe that.
It’s so tiring. I know that it’s pointless to repeat how I feel every time I cry, and so pointless to hear the same things being said to me every time I cry, but I just can’t help it. It hurts so much inside, and nobody understand how painful it is. They just say the same old stuff, and there really isn’t anything they can do to make me feel any better.
It makes me sad that I keep it all in, and it eats me up from the inside, but there’s nothing that could help me. Everything is just easier said than done. It doesn’t help when I constantly have more hurt to keep to myself. In the past month I’ve gotten really upset twice. And I just can’t help but feel like I’m not good enough. Yet what can I say? He’s moved on, I’m still stuck here picking up the pieces that weren’t even broken by me. I expected this. It always ends up like this. Something happens, nobody cares if I forgive or not because life just moves on, nobody cares if you’re still hurting about it because life just moves on, and I’m still stuck here. He’s moved on, and nobody sees that I’m still back here. No point bringing it up because all her can say is he admitted his mistake, he did something wrong, he’s sorry, but there’s nothing he can do about it.
I know what she felt like, now. At the mercy of her own self, just like I am now. Everything that had been done to her, she kept it in, and she was always the one left behind. There wasn’t anybody who could help her, just like there’s nobody who can help me. She kept everything to herself because she knew that nothing she said could make things better, just like how I keep everything to myself because there’s no point in saying anything. She found her way out..
Everything I do, I keep you in mind. I think twice before doing anything, I think about how I’d feel if you did the same to me, and I stop myself every time. Integrity is about what you do when nobody is looking. Even if I did it, you’d never know anyway, but I still choose to put your feelings first.
But today I just feel like a fool. Nothing can explain how heartbroken I was. Anger was just a surface emotion because I couldn’t show that I was upset. I knew if I did, there’d be no stopping the tears. The heartache made me feel like my heart was dying. I read that sometimes we expect others to do something for us because we would do the same for them. Just like how I expect you to NOT do something to me because I would never do it to you. It always ends up this way. Things always end the way you want them to. I get angry, I get upset, I break down, I cry, you tell me I don’t have to forgive you, you just want me to stay, we move on.. But who the hell cares about my feelings? What about MY feelings? The heartache you caused? We move on, you always happily go on, and immediately forget about hurting me. You move on, but I never seem to be able to. I just do what I do best — bottle up my feelings because I know there’s no point saying anything. What’s the point? When I get upset, the same cycle happens again. You move on, I’m stuck here dealing with the misery.
Of course I know it’s my fault. If I were good enough for you, you wouldn’t have done all that. Of all people. Am I not good enough? Have I not done enough? I just am not good enough. From the very beginning I knew I was never the kind of person you wanted. That’s why this happened. I knew I wasn’t your ideal, maybe that’s why when I found out it was just confirming what I knew all along. I wish it isn’t a fact that no matter how you treat me I’d never leave. That’s my fault too..
Who knew Koreans made techno! How have I only just discovered this?? Obsessed! I may or may not be dancing in the middle of the night right now ;)